I have worked for fast food joints. Which means I have cleaned my share (and likely yours) of bathrooms, both men’s and women’s. Ladies, seriously. What is the deal? It is evident to me, from my work as a late night restroom cleaner, that women, once they leave their homes, undergo some kind of fundamental change. They forget that they would rip their husband’s face off if he were to casually drop used toilet paper on the bathroom floor. If I were to forget to dry out the sink after washing my hands, people would ask (some weeks later) "hey, what ever happened to Mike? I haven’t seen him in ages." God forbid I leave soap residue on the countertop. And don’t get me started on towel etiquette, shower curtain care, or razor droppings.
I would totally expect a men’s room to be just nasty. Guys are, by nature, slobs. That’s why we keep you females around. Well, part of the reason. You tend to be soft and smell good too. And you can cook without (normally) having to use charcoal and enough lighter fluid to fuel a small aircraft carrier. And did I mention that you smell good? It wouldn’t surprise me to find that someone had urinated all over the mirrors in a men’s room. Or that somehow all of the toilet paper got "accidentally" flushed down the john. All at once. Or that some unfortunate brainiac somehow managed to get himself wedged into one of the stalls. Upside down.
But ladies, seriously. What is the deal? There are apparently things going on in the women’s facilities that I just do not want to be privy to (no pun intended). There are perfectly serviceable garbage receptacles in there, at least the ones I was responsible for. Yet, women in the wild seem not to understand their use. Let a man miss with so much as a toothpick at home and fur will fly and sofas will become beds. But in a public restroom, apparently all bets are off. There are things left on ladies’ room floors that I know what are used for, and have no desire to touch. There are things that I do not want to know the purpose of. All of the evidence gets left for the unfortunate (minimum wage, no tip) bathroom cleaner to deal with.
To clean a men’s room, all you need is a good pair of elbow length latex gloves, a sponge, and some soap. To clean a women’s room, you have to have a HAZMAT suit (OSHA approved) complete with breathing apparatus (suitable for use in a nuclear facility), a power washer (preferably loaded up with some kind of industrial solvent) several types of shovels, and hazardous waste disposal devices. Preferably nuclear powered.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The horrible accident (that wasn't)
So, my job. I clock in at our Fort Worth location, load my truck up with transfers for our Dallas location, and take it there. Usually, it is right around 8 am when I get to the Dallas store. I unload and leave there usually around 9. Felicia, my beautiful wife, normally calls me when she gets to work, so that I, the consummate worrywart, know that she made it OK. On this morning, there was no missed call, no message on my cell phone, so I called her and got her voice mail. I left her a message, something to the effect of "Hi honey, you forgot to call me when you got to work, call me when you get a chance."
Thinking nothing more, I started on my pickup route in Dallas and turned on the radio. To hear a traffic report about a horrible accident that shut down all but one lane of a 4-lane highway. The highway she drives to work on. And I haven’t heard from her. So, I call again. And get her voice mail. I now leave a message something to the effect of "Hey honey, call me and let me know that you weren’t involved in that accident on 35."
Twenty minutes later, I still haven’t heard from her. So… over the next 2 hours I call 22 times, leave something like 12 messages, each one progressively more frantic. Picturing her mangled and trapped in her car, unable to answer the phone. At one point I was actually in tears. If you don’t know me, take my word, I am a big manly type man. I don’t cry. I was SCARED. I mean, it wasn’t like her phone went straight to voice mail like it was turned off because she was in a meeting or something. It rang and rang, 4 or 5 times each call, before it went to message.
By the time she DID finally answer, I was a wreck. I was so relieved to hear her voice that my first reaction was "I am going to kill you". Loving husband that I am. She told me, over the hubbub of voices from the meeting she had attended, that this was not the time, we would discuss this later. She hadn’t noticed the 22 missed calls, or listened to the 12 frantic messages yet.
Okay, at least I knew she was alive, not trapped in a mangled car, bleeding to death.
About 20 minutes later, she calls me. By this time she has noticed the bazillion missed calls. And the 12 messages, each one more frantic than the last. One crying. So, she calls me and we begin to straighten out why I was so upset, when she says "hold on a sec" and apparently puts the phone in her lap. Then I hear the "ding ding ding" of the door chime as she opens the car door. Then I hear a man’s voice. "Lady, I will make this short… I am stuck here, and I need to be… blah blah blah," you know the drill. So all this time, I am saying into the phone "honey… honey… HONEY" when I finally hear her break into the guy’s spiel with "I will save you some time here, if you are asking me for money, I don’t carry cash, I can’t help you".
At which point she closes the door and picks up the phone. "Sorry about that" she say.
"Did you just open your car door for some guy you don’t know?" I ask.
"Well, I had to, to talk to him"
"Why didn’t you just roll down the window?"
"I couldn’t"
"You couldn’t. Why couldn’t you?"
"Well, because I am in your mother’s car, the windows are electric"
"So, why didn’t you stick the key in the ignition? What if he had been a psycho?"
"Well, I didn’t hang up the phone, you would have heard me screaming"
"Yes. And I would have done WHAT exactly? Hang up and call a cop and tell him that you are SOMEWHERE in Fort Worth being attacked? I don’t even know where you are."
"Oh," she says. "I’m at La Gran Plaza." Which makes me feel way better. La Gran Plaza is in the middle of gang territory. JUST where I want my wife opening her car door for some guy she doesn’t know from Adam.
This was the point where I told her that we were going to find out if the 85 bucks a month we are spending on her Jiu Jitsu class were worth it, because I was going to mangle her when she got home.
Sometimes I think that woman is purposely trying to give me either a stroke or an aneurysm. Anyone know if she has taken out a large insurance policy on me?
Oh. Speaking of insurance policy. So it iced here in Fort Worth a couple weeks ago. Since I normally ride a motorcycle, I thought it might be prudent to use Felicia’s car instead. Since we get off work at vastly different times, I had her ask a coworker for a ride home. Her coworker (a cop) told her to just get a large insurance policy on me and make me ride. The compassion is overwhelming.
Thinking nothing more, I started on my pickup route in Dallas and turned on the radio. To hear a traffic report about a horrible accident that shut down all but one lane of a 4-lane highway. The highway she drives to work on. And I haven’t heard from her. So, I call again. And get her voice mail. I now leave a message something to the effect of "Hey honey, call me and let me know that you weren’t involved in that accident on 35."
Twenty minutes later, I still haven’t heard from her. So… over the next 2 hours I call 22 times, leave something like 12 messages, each one progressively more frantic. Picturing her mangled and trapped in her car, unable to answer the phone. At one point I was actually in tears. If you don’t know me, take my word, I am a big manly type man. I don’t cry. I was SCARED. I mean, it wasn’t like her phone went straight to voice mail like it was turned off because she was in a meeting or something. It rang and rang, 4 or 5 times each call, before it went to message.
By the time she DID finally answer, I was a wreck. I was so relieved to hear her voice that my first reaction was "I am going to kill you". Loving husband that I am. She told me, over the hubbub of voices from the meeting she had attended, that this was not the time, we would discuss this later. She hadn’t noticed the 22 missed calls, or listened to the 12 frantic messages yet.
Okay, at least I knew she was alive, not trapped in a mangled car, bleeding to death.
About 20 minutes later, she calls me. By this time she has noticed the bazillion missed calls. And the 12 messages, each one more frantic than the last. One crying. So, she calls me and we begin to straighten out why I was so upset, when she says "hold on a sec" and apparently puts the phone in her lap. Then I hear the "ding ding ding" of the door chime as she opens the car door. Then I hear a man’s voice. "Lady, I will make this short… I am stuck here, and I need to be… blah blah blah," you know the drill. So all this time, I am saying into the phone "honey… honey… HONEY" when I finally hear her break into the guy’s spiel with "I will save you some time here, if you are asking me for money, I don’t carry cash, I can’t help you".
At which point she closes the door and picks up the phone. "Sorry about that" she say.
"Did you just open your car door for some guy you don’t know?" I ask.
"Well, I had to, to talk to him"
"Why didn’t you just roll down the window?"
"I couldn’t"
"You couldn’t. Why couldn’t you?"
"Well, because I am in your mother’s car, the windows are electric"
"So, why didn’t you stick the key in the ignition? What if he had been a psycho?"
"Well, I didn’t hang up the phone, you would have heard me screaming"
"Yes. And I would have done WHAT exactly? Hang up and call a cop and tell him that you are SOMEWHERE in Fort Worth being attacked? I don’t even know where you are."
"Oh," she says. "I’m at La Gran Plaza." Which makes me feel way better. La Gran Plaza is in the middle of gang territory. JUST where I want my wife opening her car door for some guy she doesn’t know from Adam.
This was the point where I told her that we were going to find out if the 85 bucks a month we are spending on her Jiu Jitsu class were worth it, because I was going to mangle her when she got home.
Sometimes I think that woman is purposely trying to give me either a stroke or an aneurysm. Anyone know if she has taken out a large insurance policy on me?
Oh. Speaking of insurance policy. So it iced here in Fort Worth a couple weeks ago. Since I normally ride a motorcycle, I thought it might be prudent to use Felicia’s car instead. Since we get off work at vastly different times, I had her ask a coworker for a ride home. Her coworker (a cop) told her to just get a large insurance policy on me and make me ride. The compassion is overwhelming.
addiction
I have recently been informed, by my wife, that I am a junkie.
My habit is apparently so heinous that it must be kept from my daughter at all costs. When my beloved caught me in the act of slaking this horrible thirst, she reacted as if I was lighting up a crack pipe.
It all started out innocently enough: we were at Wally-World and caved to our daughter’s incessant demands that we buy a watermelon. She had been riding my case for the better part of a week; wheedling, begging, and flashing that smile that girls are apparently born knowing works on guys.
The choice was to buy an approximately grapefruit-sized watermelon, seedless, organic for 4 bucks. Or to buy one that was about the size of a 1972 Lincoln, also seedless, but apparently grown using some kind of alien DNA structure that rendered it not-organic, for the same price. Being a cheapskate, I opted for the larger, alien-influenced one. We took it home and emptied out the refrigerator to make room for the melon.
After three days, I decided (with the help of a whining three-year-old: "daaaaaddy, when are we gonna eat the watermelon?" over and over and over, like a screwdriver repeatedly piercing my skull) that the melon was likely cold enough and I should go ahead and cut the thing.
So I went out to the garage and gathered up my two-wheel dolly and a chainsaw (the only implement I own large enough to attempt the procedure) and set to.
After changing clothes and cleaning watermelon guts off the ceiling, I gave some to my daughter, admonishing her not to drip on the recently flooded floor, and took a piece for myself.
I went to the sink, so as not to spill salt on the floor. Yes, I said salt. I don’t know where I got the habit, but I put salt on my watermelon. Makes it scrumptious.
My wife, who was washing up a few dishes, gasped at the brazen way that I, right out in the open, salted my fruit. Aghast that I hadn't even attempted to hide in shame, she dashed into the living room, scattering dishes on the way, (we needed new china anyway) to make sure our daughter wasn’t in danger of being corrupted by my horrible habit. Fortunately, the youngun wasn’t paying any attention to anything but Blue’s Clues on the TV and the watermelon she was busily keeping (mostly) from dripping all over MY seat on the sofa.
My wife stayed in the living room, making sure that my daughter didn’t get exposed to the nasty habit her father was exhibiting, until I was done eating.
God help me if my wife finds my M&M stash.
My habit is apparently so heinous that it must be kept from my daughter at all costs. When my beloved caught me in the act of slaking this horrible thirst, she reacted as if I was lighting up a crack pipe.
It all started out innocently enough: we were at Wally-World and caved to our daughter’s incessant demands that we buy a watermelon. She had been riding my case for the better part of a week; wheedling, begging, and flashing that smile that girls are apparently born knowing works on guys.
The choice was to buy an approximately grapefruit-sized watermelon, seedless, organic for 4 bucks. Or to buy one that was about the size of a 1972 Lincoln, also seedless, but apparently grown using some kind of alien DNA structure that rendered it not-organic, for the same price. Being a cheapskate, I opted for the larger, alien-influenced one. We took it home and emptied out the refrigerator to make room for the melon.
After three days, I decided (with the help of a whining three-year-old: "daaaaaddy, when are we gonna eat the watermelon?" over and over and over, like a screwdriver repeatedly piercing my skull) that the melon was likely cold enough and I should go ahead and cut the thing.
So I went out to the garage and gathered up my two-wheel dolly and a chainsaw (the only implement I own large enough to attempt the procedure) and set to.
After changing clothes and cleaning watermelon guts off the ceiling, I gave some to my daughter, admonishing her not to drip on the recently flooded floor, and took a piece for myself.
I went to the sink, so as not to spill salt on the floor. Yes, I said salt. I don’t know where I got the habit, but I put salt on my watermelon. Makes it scrumptious.
My wife, who was washing up a few dishes, gasped at the brazen way that I, right out in the open, salted my fruit. Aghast that I hadn't even attempted to hide in shame, she dashed into the living room, scattering dishes on the way, (we needed new china anyway) to make sure our daughter wasn’t in danger of being corrupted by my horrible habit. Fortunately, the youngun wasn’t paying any attention to anything but Blue’s Clues on the TV and the watermelon she was busily keeping (mostly) from dripping all over MY seat on the sofa.
My wife stayed in the living room, making sure that my daughter didn’t get exposed to the nasty habit her father was exhibiting, until I was done eating.
God help me if my wife finds my M&M stash.
Who am I, anyway?
It seems to me that the GOP has no reason to see the economy recover. If everything stays bad, then come the 2010 mid-term elections, they can say "see? Should have voted for us". If the economy does better, they have nothing.
So, individual Republicans might do what they can to try to make the global economy recover, but as a party, they have zero incentive to try. Just thought I would point out to folks that you might want to keep an eye on your elected officials, especially if they have an (R) attached to their names.
I recently had an exchange with a friend that I thought I would pass along.
I had made some statement that made my friend question me, saying that he thought I was a Democrat.
Well, I do lean to the left some. I am not a Democrat, though.
I believe that if a woman who is not my wife wants an abortion, it’s none of my business. I believe she should make this decision very soon after she discovers that she is pregnant. I do not believe that insurance should pay for it unless the mother's life is in danger.
Same if two guys want to get married. Neither affects me at all.
I think if we were drilling and pumping all the oil under OUR soil, we wouldn’t have to drill in the ocean for years to come. Neither would we have to buy from the Saudis, whom I believe were truly behind 911.
I believe that if you want to take my guns away from me you better bring 19 people, because I have 18 shots and I don’t miss.
I believe that people not having health insurance costs us as a nation far more than giving them insurance would. One out of 38 people who are sick goes to the doctor, because the other 37 cannot afford it unless they are seriously ill. So disease spreads.
I believe that if you give more money (tax cuts) to the rich, they pass it around to other rich people or stash it away in some offshore account. If you give money (tax cuts) to the not-rich, they pass it to the rich people too, but at least the poorer people get to play with it too.
This argument that the rich create jobs with those tax cuts has been proven a lie by 8 straight months of job losses. The argument that they will trickle that wealth down is proven a lie by the fact that most folks who DO still have jobs haven’t seen a pay raise in years.
I believe that kids should be allowed to pray quietly in school if they want, and they should be allowed to have voluntary after school bible classes as well. As long as they are willing to extend that privilege to other religions. I do NOT believe that anyone should be forced to pray in a publicly funded institution, nor do I believe that any religious classes should be funded by taxes. Truly, teaching religion is the church's responsibility, not the public school systems'.
I believe that if the most expensive car in a church parking lot belongs to the preacher, that isn’t a church, it’s a cult. Jesus had to borrow a donkey to ride to his death.
I don’t believe that we should stop progress because it is going to adversely affect the psychedelic spotted 3-horned slug. Species have been going extinct for billions of years. If one can’t survive change, oh well.
I believe if someone murders someone else, they need to be put to death. Lethal injection is NOT cruel. As a matter of fact, it is a little too nice for my tastes. I think murderers should be put to death in the same fashion and time frame as their victim. With, if possible, just as much terror.
I think illegal still means criminal. The argument that we allowed illegal immigrants in here for so long we now have to accommodate them is rubbish. If I forget to leave my door locked when I leave for work, and I come home to find someone on my couch, watching my TV, drinking my beer, cleaning out my medicine cabinet and eating my food, I am not going to ask him politely to leave. Neither am I going to figure that, since he managed to get in and was there all day, now I have to support him and his family. I will shoot him. Done deal.
I generally vote for the candidate who is NOT holding the office already.
So you tell me. Am I a Democrat? Am I a Republican?
I will tell you this; in 94 I voted straight republican ticket on the congressional elections, largely because of their promises made in the contract with America. Which they failed to implement.
I voted for bill Clinton twice, because I knew he was lying when he said he didn’t inhale. And because I understood why he lied when asked if he had relations with Monica. Come on, if you are sleeping around on your wife, and someone asks you in front of her, they are almost 100 percent guaranteed to get a lie. I would have lied, you would have lied, and Newt Gingrich would have lied.
Also, that seemed kind of like a setup. I mean, why would she have failed to wash that dress?
So, individual Republicans might do what they can to try to make the global economy recover, but as a party, they have zero incentive to try. Just thought I would point out to folks that you might want to keep an eye on your elected officials, especially if they have an (R) attached to their names.
I recently had an exchange with a friend that I thought I would pass along.
I had made some statement that made my friend question me, saying that he thought I was a Democrat.
Well, I do lean to the left some. I am not a Democrat, though.
I believe that if a woman who is not my wife wants an abortion, it’s none of my business. I believe she should make this decision very soon after she discovers that she is pregnant. I do not believe that insurance should pay for it unless the mother's life is in danger.
Same if two guys want to get married. Neither affects me at all.
I think if we were drilling and pumping all the oil under OUR soil, we wouldn’t have to drill in the ocean for years to come. Neither would we have to buy from the Saudis, whom I believe were truly behind 911.
I believe that if you want to take my guns away from me you better bring 19 people, because I have 18 shots and I don’t miss.
I believe that people not having health insurance costs us as a nation far more than giving them insurance would. One out of 38 people who are sick goes to the doctor, because the other 37 cannot afford it unless they are seriously ill. So disease spreads.
I believe that if you give more money (tax cuts) to the rich, they pass it around to other rich people or stash it away in some offshore account. If you give money (tax cuts) to the not-rich, they pass it to the rich people too, but at least the poorer people get to play with it too.
This argument that the rich create jobs with those tax cuts has been proven a lie by 8 straight months of job losses. The argument that they will trickle that wealth down is proven a lie by the fact that most folks who DO still have jobs haven’t seen a pay raise in years.
I believe that kids should be allowed to pray quietly in school if they want, and they should be allowed to have voluntary after school bible classes as well. As long as they are willing to extend that privilege to other religions. I do NOT believe that anyone should be forced to pray in a publicly funded institution, nor do I believe that any religious classes should be funded by taxes. Truly, teaching religion is the church's responsibility, not the public school systems'.
I believe that if the most expensive car in a church parking lot belongs to the preacher, that isn’t a church, it’s a cult. Jesus had to borrow a donkey to ride to his death.
I don’t believe that we should stop progress because it is going to adversely affect the psychedelic spotted 3-horned slug. Species have been going extinct for billions of years. If one can’t survive change, oh well.
I believe if someone murders someone else, they need to be put to death. Lethal injection is NOT cruel. As a matter of fact, it is a little too nice for my tastes. I think murderers should be put to death in the same fashion and time frame as their victim. With, if possible, just as much terror.
I think illegal still means criminal. The argument that we allowed illegal immigrants in here for so long we now have to accommodate them is rubbish. If I forget to leave my door locked when I leave for work, and I come home to find someone on my couch, watching my TV, drinking my beer, cleaning out my medicine cabinet and eating my food, I am not going to ask him politely to leave. Neither am I going to figure that, since he managed to get in and was there all day, now I have to support him and his family. I will shoot him. Done deal.
I generally vote for the candidate who is NOT holding the office already.
So you tell me. Am I a Democrat? Am I a Republican?
I will tell you this; in 94 I voted straight republican ticket on the congressional elections, largely because of their promises made in the contract with America. Which they failed to implement.
I voted for bill Clinton twice, because I knew he was lying when he said he didn’t inhale. And because I understood why he lied when asked if he had relations with Monica. Come on, if you are sleeping around on your wife, and someone asks you in front of her, they are almost 100 percent guaranteed to get a lie. I would have lied, you would have lied, and Newt Gingrich would have lied.
Also, that seemed kind of like a setup. I mean, why would she have failed to wash that dress?
Sunday, June 21, 2009
We all pay, in some way.
So, my wife sprained her ankle. Not badly, she can still walk, but badly enough that it hurts to do so. She went to a doctor, who confirmed that she probably did, indeed, sprain her ankle. But he wanted her to go have some x-rays just to make sure. The diagnostic clinic he wanted her to go to was closed, and she didn’t want to wait until Monday and have to take yet more time off work. So the doctor told her she could go to an emergency room to have the x-rays taken. Just to be sure, she called her insurance company (named after a volcano in Sicily). She was informed that if she went to a free-standing diagnostic clinic, they would cover 100% of the cost of the pictures. If she, however, went to a hospital emergency room, they would only cover 80% of the $940.00 charge. Nine hundred and forty dollars? For pictures? Admittedly, they are fancy, see-through-your-flesh pictures, but they are, nonetheless, pictures. It seems to me that perhaps the insurance company is not the problem in this particular instance. If it truly costs that much to take a few pictures of an ankle, how can anyone say that we don’t have a health care problem in this country?Nine hundred and forty dollars. And that is with insurance. It is my understanding that insurance companies negotiate prices so that they get a good deal. Uninsured persons get charged even more. So if I, without insurance, were to need x-rays, I wonder how much it would cost. Far more than I will pay, I can assure you.So here is a good one to consider, especially if you think that there is no health care problem. I have no insurance. So if I get sick, I will not seek medical help unless and until I become incapacitated or close to it. Which means that if I get something communicable, I will pass it around before I am forced to see a doctor. I really feel sorry for folks if I get something not only communicable, but deadly. And I can assure you that I am not the only person in such circumstances. Make no mistake, this has nothing to do with a desire to cause harm to others. This is simply out of a desire not to spend a lot of money to find out that I have a cold. It seems to me, however, that health care coverage reform is not all of what is needed. Perhaps putting the brakes on what gets charged might also be in order.
Interestingly enough, I heard some woman call into a radio program to say that she didn’t want some government bureaucrat deciding what doctor she could see or what procedures she could have done. I have to assume that she is OK with some insurance company flunky deciding these things. Which is what she has, if she is even lucky enough to have insurance at all.
Interestingly enough, I heard some woman call into a radio program to say that she didn’t want some government bureaucrat deciding what doctor she could see or what procedures she could have done. I have to assume that she is OK with some insurance company flunky deciding these things. Which is what she has, if she is even lucky enough to have insurance at all.
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